


Postgame: And I Still Suck {Discontinued}

by ImaginaryFigment



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Delusions, Denial of Feelings, Dreams and Nightmares, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Ouma not Oma, Panic Attacks, Rejection, Shuichi and Tsumugi are related, Sorry I keep changing all the tags-, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Time Skips, all relationships are minor except Oumasai - Freeform, danganronpa is a tv show, postgame, vr au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26201821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaginaryFigment/pseuds/ImaginaryFigment
Summary: I’ve made the decision to restart this story, so this version of it is over. This one won’t be updated anymore and the new one will be coming out in a few weeksNone of the chapters here are being deleted so you’re still welcome to read it if you like, but it won’t be getting updated here again
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Saihara Shuichi, Akamatsu Kaede/Rantaro Amami (minor), Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi (one-sided/past), Amami Rantaro & Oma Kokichi, Amami Rantaro & Saihara Shuichi, Chabashira Tenko & Oma Kokichi, Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko (minor), Enoshima Junko & Oma Kokichi, Gekkogahara Miaya & Saihara Shuichi, Harukawa Maki & Oma Kokichi, Harukawa Maki/Momoto Kaito (minor), Iruma Miu/K1-B0 (minor), Oma Kokichi & Everyone, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Shinguji Korekiyo/Yonaga Angie (minor)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1:Hello, my beloved!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will have lots of V3 spoilers, so keep that in mind! It will also have mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts and some suicidal actions. The relationship between Kokichi and Shuichi doesn't start out pretty, either. It will take a while, but I can promise that the issues between them will work out and they'll end up together
> 
> I hope you enjoy the first chapter!

I groaned. Still couldn’t _fucking_ feel my legs. How annoying. 

But it’s alright. 

Because at least I was alive, right? That’s what I was supposed to think? At least it was all fake and no one really died! At least nothing really happened to you! At least _it wasn’t real_. Right? 

I scowled and shut the book the idiot nurses brought me. Seriously? A book? And not even a good one. I dropped it back onto the table and fixed the blue blankets laying across the bed. 

“Ouma? You have a visitor, deary.” The nurse smiled at me. She was always smiling. It was too fake. I just wanted _something to be real again_ -!

But it’s fine, right?

“A visitor? How annoying! I don’t want to see them at all. Send them away! But that’s a lie, I suppose. You can let them in.” I wondered who it could be. Surely it wasn’t my parents. I hadn’t seen them since I was a really little kid, from what I had been told. None of my classmates had ever bothered visiting before and DICE-

DICE wasn’t real. 

“Ah, Kokichi?” I knew that voice. 

“My beloved Saihara-chan! I wasn’t expecting you, my darling Detective!” The words drip with honey that’s obviously fake. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. 

“Still calling me that, huh?” Shuichi laughed nervously, taking the seat near the bed. He was wearing actual clothes. Kind of weird, after having only seen hospital scrubs since I woke up. He looked good though. A dark grey turtleneck and black jeans. What an emo. 

“But of course! I just love you so much, Shumai!” I clasped my hands and batted my eyelashes for a few moments before my face contorted into a scowl. “Is that what you were expecting? I honestly couldn’t care less about you.”

How I wished that was the truth. 

“Um...I don’t-”

“Why are you here?” I asked. I just wanted him to leave. I could already feel my heart rate spiking just from seeing him. 

“I wanted to check on you. Are you alright, Kokichi?” Stupid Shuichi. I could easily lie. Tell him I was fine. But… for some reason, I didn’t want to. 

“No. I currently can’t fucking move my legs, I just woke up and found out I was a dick for no reason, I killed myself for no reason, got other people killed for no reason, signed up for a death game _willingly_ , lost all my memories of who I was and pushed away every person I loved. Oh! And, to top it all off, DICE, _my family_ , isn’t even fucking real. So, no, Shuichi. I’m not ‘alright’.” I laughed. “But none of that matters, right? Because I’m an evil, unfeeling Supreme Leader who everyone hates!” 

“Kokichi…” Shuichi’s hand hovered over mine. I pulled my hand away, stuffing it under the blankets. 

“Why are you still here? Why did you even come in the first place? You didn’t care enough to come before, so why now? What, did they tell you about my stupid little crush on you, Shuichi?” His expression is unreadable. He doesn’t say anything either. I looked away, focusing on the too-white walls of the stupid hospital room. 

“Listen, I may have loved you at one point, but now I utterly _despise_ you.” 

“Kokichi-” Shuichi started again. 

“Shut up, Shuichi! I don’t want to hear it!” I snapped. “I know I was awful in the game but you know what? So were you. So was everyone else. You were so wrapped up in the piano freak that you never noticed anyone else! And then when she died, unfairly I might add, you just moved onto the space idiot and the assassin! You were so fixated on them that you never gave anyone else a chance or even bothered to try and get to know us. And somehow, I still fucking fell in love with you. God, how pathetic can I be? Falling in love with someone who barely knew you existed-” 

It was Shuichi’s turn to cut me off. “I knew you existed! How could I not? You were always there, causing trouble and bothering me! I don’t understand you,” he huffed. 

“I wasn’t on your radar. If I wasn’t antagonizing everyone, you didn’t think about me. Right? I can see the truth in your stupid, gorgeous eyes, Saihara-chan. I know I’m right. So, why are you really here?” I asked. 

“I- you said you were in love with me.” 

_That’s_ what he chose to focus on? “I said that a while ago. Multiple times. Keep up.”

Shuichi sighed. “But you said that?” 

“Yeah, multiple times. Like I _just_ said. Jesus, what happened to being a super-smart detective? So, yes, Shumai. I loved you. What of it? Are you gonna dramatically carry me off into the sunset? You don’t need to even reject me. It won’t change anything either way. I may have loved you in the game, Shuichi, but I _absolutely hate you now_.” And it was the truth. Mostly. Maybe I fibbed a little but it’s not like Shuichi would notice. He swallowed nervously, his eyes flicking down. 

“That’s a lie.” It’s an unspoken question. He wanted me to tell him it was a lie. Maybe he did notice then.

“No.” His expression revealed that, no, he hadn’t noticed the real lie. 

“I don’t know why I bothered saying that. It was obviously the truth.” Shuichi chuckled quietly. It was more painful than it was humorous. 

“I don’t know why you bothered coming at all.” Shuichi looked up, confusion playing in his expression. “Ugh, do I have to say it again? You were all discharged from this hell hole months ago, Shuichi. I’m the only one still here, obviously, and none of you has ever bothered visiting me before. In fact, this is the first time we’ve spoken since before I-”

“Don’t say it! Please.” Shuichi's eyes went wide and his breathing became ragged. 

“Hmph. Whatever. Just answer the question. Honestly this time. Why are you here?” I raised my eyebrow, tapping my fingers against my thigh. 

“I really did just want to check in on you. I’m sorry for not coming sooner. What, um, what happened?” Shuichi gestured feebly at me and I laughed. 

“Sustained damage from the VR.” He noticeably flinched at my mention of the killing game. “Oh please. I’m not one of you, damaged and unable to talk about without wanting to off myself! Grow up, Detective.” 

Another half-truth. I _could_ think about it without wanting to die, I supposed. Then again, I always wanted to die so did it really count? 

“Can I ask…? What it’s like for you now?” Shuichi murmured. 

“I miss having sex but at least I don’t want to die~!” A reference. Not one he picked up on, clearly, seeing as he made a face. 

“I really don’t understand you.”

The words are spilling from my mouth before I can stop them. “What doesn’t the prodigy detective understand? I thought you were supposed to be some kinda genius! You managed to figure it all out, right? Figured out who killed Rantaro- wait. You were wrong. So you condemned Kaede, your best friend, for nothing and then you kept doing it! Next up on the chopping block was Kirumi and then Korekiyo and then sweet, mostly innocent Gonta and then...Kaito. Another one of your very bestest friends! The second ‘best friend’ you _sentenced to death_. Did you get Maki killed after that too? Oh, I really wish I could’ve seen your reaction when you found out that Kayayday was innocent and that Tsumugi-” 

“Stop! Stop it, Kokichi! Just stop talking!” Shuichi’s hands flew to his head, his breathing increasing rapidly. I didn’t mean for _that_ to happen. I never wanted to hurt him. But I couldn’t stop myself. 

“Stop? Stop telling the truth? I thought you didn't want me to lie anymore. Do you want me to lie again? Huh? Tell you pretty little lies to make you feel all better? Is that what you want? You want me to tell you that you’re innocent? That you shouldn’t feel guilty? That you didn’t _kill people_? Interesting. So if you don’t want to blame yourself, who do you blame, then? Tsumugi?” I laughed. 

“No, of course not!” 

“Oh?”

“I don’t blame her! How could I?” Shuichi’s eyes were wet and shiny like he was on the verge of tears. 

“Oh, that’s right! She’s your...what? Cousin? Sister? Damn, how does it feel knowing that you’re related to the person who trapped you and forced us to kill one another-” 

“You! I blame you for all the death, Kokichi! If you didn’t constantly antagonize everyone maybe no one would have died!” Shuichi exclaimed. 

“There it is.” I laughed again, tipping my head back. I laughed because he was right. It really was all my fault. It still...hurt to hear him say it, though. 

“No, wait, Kokichi-”

“No, no. I get it. You can go now. Bye-bye!” I waved enthusiastically. Shuichi stood up, swallowing harshly. He walked to the door and stepped out. 

He said something I couldn’t quite make out and then closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading the first chapter! The second one is already in development and will be sent off to my lovely beta as soon as it's done. I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter and are excited for what's to come!


	2. Chapter 2: Returning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first off, thank you all for the support on the first chapter! I really wasn't expecting so many people to like it and want more of it so thank you! Second, I'm so sorry this took so long for me to get out!!! Both my beta and I have been pretty busy so it took us a while to get this done. That being said, this chapter isn't nearly as exciting as the last one. Sorry about that. Kokichi is mostly by himself this chapter. There will be mentions of death and suicidal thoughts, so read with caution. If you haven't figured it out, I do kin Kokichi and I project onto him pretty heavily. If he ever seems out of character, that would be why. But also keep in mind that is postgame, so he'll be pretty different than his ingame self. Alright, I'll shut up now, enjoy the chapter!

“Hello, deary! How are we feeling today?” 

“Fuck off,” I muttered. The nurse just laughed.

“Did you and that sweet young man get into a spat? He looked so sad when he left…” The nurse was still smiling. It was ridiculous. Why was she _always smiling-_

“Shut the hell up.” 

“Oh! Someone’s feisty today! Well, I’ll just finish up with you and then I’ll be out of your hair, deary!” The nurse wrote something on a clipboard before looking back down at me. Her blonde hair was neatly pulled back and she had this garish red lipstick on. 

“Can you just leave?” I asked. I didn’t feel like dealing with her. 

“No can do! Let’s get you all cleaned up and then get you your medication, alright?” The nurse smiled, waiting for an answer. She sighed quietly when she didn’t get one. The nurse took me into the en suite, putting me in that _goddamn chair_ again. 

I hated it. I hated _her_. I hated everything. I sounded like some stupid teenager. God, I was pathetic. Falling in love and then pushing everyone away. Even though there was a chance-

No. There was no chance he felt the same. I made sure of that, didn’t I? 

Did I even want him to feel the same? I had to, right? Didn’t everyone want their love returned? So why...why did I want to hold him but simultaneously never want to see his face again?

I tried to focus on anything but that or the nurse as she ran a damp washcloth over my skin. She hummed quietly for a few moments. 

“So, is he your boyfriend?” I didn’t answer her. Why did she insist on asking me questions, especially during _this_? I didn’t even look at her. It was just another reason to hate Smiles, or whatever her actual name was. I never bothered to learn it. 

It was easier that way. Don’t learn names and they don’t become important. 

But that was a lie too. Because no matter how often I only remembered them as Piano Idiot, Ms Killer, Catboy, Robot, Degenerate, Magician, God-fucker, Freak, Can’t-remember-anything, Maid, Detective, My Fault, My fault part 2, My fault part _3_ , _Bitch who trapped us all_ -

No matter how much I only thought of them as nicknames, it didn’t change how I really felt. Even though I wished it did. Even though I wished I could lie to myself and pretend it did. 

I couldn’t escape how I really felt. I couldn’t escape the guilt. 

“All right, we’re all done, deary!” Smiles took me back into the hospital room. “Any movement?” 

“Not any more than the last time you asked,” I grumbled. Smiles laughed quietly and handed me a paper cup. I dry swallowed the pills and shooed her away. I just wanted to be alone. 

“Ok...anything else you needed, deary?” 

“No.” Smiles glanced at me and nodded to herself. With one last smile, she turned and left, leaving me alone in the plain room again. 

I looked at the table next to me, at the large pile of letters. I picked one up and opened it. 

_Dear Kokichi,_

_I love you so much! You were so cool on the show! It makes me so angry that you died, you deserved better! Ugh, I totally hate Kaito for killing you too. You were such a good person-_

I crumpled the letter at that. Good? _Good_ ? Did this…“fan” watch the show at all? I was horrible. H _orrible_ ! I made sure they all hated me. I told them I was the mastermind. I lied constantly, to everyone and to myself. I made sure that Miu died and I got Gonta killed and _I_ killed _Kaito_ ! Did these _idiots_ even watch the show? 

I pulled another letter off the pile. 

_Kokichi, you’re so fucking hot. I want you to-_

And that one went into the trash too. What a gross thing to send someone. The fans of this death game really were another breed. 

_I hope you die. You deserve it._

That was...better, I guess. At least this one had the right idea. 

I was done reading letters from my so-called fans. They disgusted me. And the death threats only served to further my self-pity and guilt. Apparently that was “unhealthy”, according to Smiles. 

I turned the tv on. 

“- _Kokichi Ouma_ , the liar we all love to hate, will be returning for Danganronpa’s next season!” A picture flashed onto the screen of a violet-eyed, plum-haired boy wearing a black cape and military-esque outfit. He had a Monokuma-inspired makeup look on and his hands were positioned in that way, that way was associated with despair, with _her._ The word ‘Despair’ was painted in dripping red letters behind him. The Kokichi in the photo looked so excited. Like he wanted to be there. Like he wanted to cause and spread Despair. Like he wanted to be _her_. 

God, who hurt you, Kokichi?

“Stay tuned for an interview with Junko Enoshima and Mukuro Ikusaba, the popular show’s creators. Meanwhile, let’s take a look back at Kokichi’s greatest moments!” The newscaster smiled and the screen cut to me. 

“This school is _mine_ ! I am the king-” I shut the tv off. I felt sick. How dare they do this. I told them _no_ ! And they still had the _nerve_ -

Whatever. I knew I wasn’t going back. Not again. I wasn’t going through that again. I refused to. 

***

There was a knock on the door. “What?” I snapped. 

“Sorry. Mr Saihara called back. He said he wouldn’t be returning.” It was a different nurse. At least he wasn’t smiling. 

“Did he say why?” I had a feeling I already knew. It had been a few days since Shuichi visited but I had asked for them to call him. I...found myself wanting him to come back. The desire to see him again was stronger than I wanted to admit, stronger than the desire to never see him again at least, and...I wanted to apologise to him. 

I hated apologising. 

“Yes, something about your ‘return’? He didn’t say much more than that,” the nurse said, smiling softly. 

“Oh. Alright. Thank you.” Of course, he had seen it. Of course, he believed it. 

Did he really think I would _want_ to go back…?

“Sorry again. Did you need anything else?” I shook my head and the nurse left, with a final smile. 

I opened the drawer next to me and pulled out a square of checkered fabric. I ran my thumb over the material. A drop of water hit the fabric. 

I was crying. When did that start?

I unfolded the fabric and choked out a laugh. The fabric was worn between my fingers and there was a small tear in it from when Emiko-

When she _nothing_. She wasn’t real. Nothing I remembered was real. Nothing other than living in that orphanage with Maki but even that wasn’t completely real either. 

_I_ wasn’t real. I was just a character. Just a character who stepped out of the screen and replaced Kokichi Ouma. I wondered if he had dreams. Or if he had family. Friends. Was Danganronpa the only thing in his life? Did he have a partner? I didn’t know. I wouldn’t ever know unless someone came looking for him. 

Was it possible to get back those memories? Was it possible to forget who I was now? Was it possible to stop being Kokichi Ouma, Ultimate Supreme Leader, and go back to being Ouma Kokichi, unimportant nobody? Was it possible to _stop caring-_

Probably not. 

I wished it was. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this guilt. All this guilt that I deserved. I deserved it all. They were right. 

I deserved to die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading Chapter 2! Sorry it ended on such a sad note...the next chapter will be more exciting so stay tuned for that! Feel free to tell me what you thought!


	3. Chapter 3: Big Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another update! I hope you all enjoy the chapter and the new character introduced! {You may have noticed a few tag updates, these won't take effect this chapter but keep your eye out for new tags and for them to show up in the next few chapters} This chapter was actually split into two parts for being too long but hopefully, the next part will come out sooner rather than later

I ended up zoning out. I stopped paying attention to Smiles’s questions. Stopped reading the letters I had received in droves. Stopped watching the door, hoping beyond hope that _he_ would walk back through it. 

I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed him and I hated him and I loved him. Nothing made sense to me. How could someone feel such conflicting emotions about one person?

The door swung open, snapping me back to reality for the first time in at least a few days. I stared at the person who was standing in the doorway. It felt impossible. 

“... big brother?” 

He laughed and walked into the room. He took the chair near the bed, the one Shuichi had sat in when he was here, and spun it around, sitting in it backwards like a _heathen._ He reached forward and ruffled my hair. “Hey, Koko.”

Tears welled in my eyes before I could stop them. “Rantaro,” I murmured. “Big brother…you’re really here.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am.” He smiled at me and I felt tears rise to my eyes. 

“Missed you,” I whispered. He leaned over the chair and pulled me into a hug. 

“I missed you too, Koko, but I’m here now. How’ve you been?” he asked. I swallowed. 

“‘Bout as good as I can be after waking up from that nightmare and realising all the shit I did was for nothing. What are you doing here, Rantaro?” He looked completely unphased by how fast I had switched from childlike to depressed adult. It was almost funny and most people would have said something or gave me a look. He didn’t. 

“I came to check on you. I saw what TDR said in that interview-”

My heart rate skyrocketed. “No! No, it’s not true. I’m not going back there, Rantaro! I hate that place. I can’t stand them. I would _never_ go back. Not willingly.” 

“Hey, relax. I know. I know you would never go through that again. Not everyone is like me,” Rantaro said, laughing. 

“That’s not- whatever,” I grumbled. It didn’t matter if he thought I was trying to say he was a bad person. Right? It didn’t matter if he thought _I_ was a bad person. He probably already did. _They all did-_

“No, I know you weren’t saying that, Koko. But, uh, I do have to confess something. I’m not only here to check in on you. I’m also here because Shu asked me to come.” Rantaro looked away, resting his head against his hand. 

Shu… “Shuichi asked you to come?” 

“Yeah...yes. After you called, he wanted to know why you wanted him to come back if you hated him so much.” Rantaro shrugged and smiled. 

“I don’t... _hate_ him. I don’t know. I love him, Ranran. But I’m so _upset_ and angry with him. I know we were all under stress and that I’m a monster but still. I-it hurt, Taro.” I bit my lip and looked down. 

“Monster? You aren’t a monster, Koko. Why would you say that?” Rantaro stared at me, his brow furrowed. 

“I-” I paused, frowning. That wasn’t obvious to him? 

“You don’t really think you’re a monster. Do you?” Rantaro inched the chair forward so he was closer to me. “Kokichi, I’m serious. Do you actually think that?”

Think? I _knew._ “Yes.” 

Rantaro’s eyes closed and he exhaled. “You aren't a monster. I can’t believe you think that. _Why_ do you think that, Kokichi?” 

I laughed. “Because it’s true! Ran, I know you didn’t stay in the game long but I know you watched it after or at least heard about everything I did. How can you say I’m _not_ a monster?” I narrowed my eyes. 

“Are you seriously still talking about something that wasn’t even real?” Rantaro asked. He rolled his eyes. 

“That’s the point! None of it was real! None of it! I was a horrible person for no fucking reason, Rantaro! I did _awful_ things! Even if it wasn’t fake, I still did unforgivable things. I got three people killed. I _got three people killed_. I’m a monster, Rantaro. There’s no two ways about it.” I dug my nails into my palms, forcing myself not to cry. 

It was a skill I had honed in the game, the not crying. Since I woke up, though, it had become much more difficult.

“Koko, if I held onto everything that we all did in the game, I wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be dating Kaede, I wouldn’t spend time with Tsumugi. The game shouldn’t be important to us. That’s all it was. A game. You literally said we were all under stress. That applies to you too. You aren’t the person who we all saw in the game. You aren’t a monster.” 

“How would you know? Huh? You died after a few days! You don’t know shit, Rantaro! Why the hell should I listen to you? All your stupid hippie preaching of moving on and not caring...who are you to say that? What, ‘cause you’re dating the woman who tried to kill you and besties with the one who actually did? You make me sick. How can you do that? Be around people who literally wanted you dead? It’s disgusting,” I seethed. 

Rantaro’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “I understand that you’re hurting. I know you feel like you don’t deserve to be alive or to have support but you _do_ , Koko. You’re only human. You thought you were protecting everyone. You don’t deserve to be punished for that. And I won’t let you push me away and self-destruct. I care about you. So shut the fuck up and get over yourself. Grow up. Get your head in the game. There’s more important shit going on than your little pity party.” 

My mouth fell open. “Jesus, Taro.”

He shrugged. “It’s true. I care about you, Kich. You aren’t going to scare me off no matter how much you try. Now, tell me about how you feel. About Shuichi, I mean. Although I guess you can talk about whatever you want.”

“Why?”

“Did you listen to nothing I just said? I _care_ about you. I’m here for you, Koko. Let yourself open up and be cared about. You’re safe now.” Rantaro took my hand and smiled at me. “Your big brother is here for you.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. We all are. It’s okay now, though. You don’t need to demonise yourself.” Rantaro motioned for me to continue. The words stuck in my throat. 

I wanted to trust him, I realised. I wanted to tell him how I felt. _Finally be loved-_

But I couldn’t. I didn’t deserve that. 

I shook my head. “No, it’s nothing. I honestly can’t believe you fell for that! It was all a lie, silly! Me, loving the emo Detective? That’s hilarious. And blaming myself? I totally didn’t-”

Rantaro put his hand over my mouth, glaring at me. “Enough, Kokichi. Fucking stop. You need to stop trying to push everyone away. Shuichi came here to tell you-” Rantaro stopped himself, sighing angrily. “Please talk to me, Koko. It’s alright, I promise.”

At that point, the tears started streaming down my face. “I’m sorry, really,” I murmured. He nodded. “I- I just don’t know how to say this stuff, Taro.”

“Just say it. Just start talking and say whatever comes to mind. Maybe you’ll figure something out.” I bit my lip and nodded. Just talk? Ok…

“Um...I know I did a lot of bad things. I _know_ that. I hated doing them and I hated who I was in there. But I tried to fix it! I tried to fix it. I tried...to save them. I just wanted to help them. For them to survive. I just wanted Shuichi to survive...I sacrificed myself so no one else would die but I’m such a _fuck up_ that three more of them still died! I couldn’t even kill myself right! I’m still fucking here. I still woke up. I still...have to look at myself and see that _monster_ wearing my face. I don’t know who I am anymore, Ranran. I-I...I think there’s something wrong with me. More than just being a horrible fuck up of a person.” I looked up at him. He had this horrible look on his face. 

Pity. 

“Koko-”

“Save it. I don’t want your pity.” I looked away. 

“Ok...but I’m sorry, Koko. I’m so sorry. You _aren’t_ a monster. None of us think you are. You don’t deserve to die and I’m happy you woke up. Those people who you thought you killed? They’re happy you woke up too. Miu’s been chomping at the bit to come see you but I wouldn’t let her. Not until I got to see you and calm you down first. But she wants to come, Koko. A lot of them do. Don’t push them away when they come. Until then, you need to try and get past this. It wasn’t real. You need to realise that. You’re in the outside world now. You were never supposed to be real and now you are. Someone who shared your name and face signed up for a death game and you walked out of it. You have to live with his decision, Koko. You don’t get to go back. You can only go forward. So stop looking back at what you did when you thought you were gonna die. Focus on moving forward.” Rantaro looked at me. Really _looked_ at me. Like he could see past it all, see the real Kokichi beneath all the lies and walls and layers. 

It felt nice, to be seen. 

“Yeah,” I muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading chapter 3!


	4. Chapter 3.5: Conflicted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! This was all supposed to be part of last chapter but I split it cause I didn't want it to be overly long...Sorry this took so long- it was done and then I hated it and then I fixed it and that apparently took two weeks. Chapter 4 will be coming out within the next few days though, promise!  
> Okay, I need to clear up a few things that'll never be directly mentioned in the story: Shuichi and Tsumugi ARE related. It's a background detail, not super important. Rantaro and Kokichi are NOT related. They see each other like siblings and got close in the game, but they aren't actually related. You may notice a Saimatsu tag. Kaede is NOT a villain, nor does she 'get in the way'. You'll see why it's tagged in the next few chapters. Blood is RED in this fic, not pink. I'll mention blood a few times and it'll always be red. And last but not least: if you ever wanted to know where a lot of my inspiration comes from or you want to know where this story is going, there's a playlist on youtube with songs that I draw inspiration from this story for! I'll link it at the end if you want it
> 
> Okay, I've written enough here- enjoy reading!

“What did you want Shuichi to come for?” Rantaro asked. 

“I wanted to apologise. Honestly. I just wanted to apologise, Ranran. And to see him again.” I laughed. It sounded shaky to me. Forced. “Pathetic, right?”

Rantaro shook his head. “Nah, I get it. I feel the same way about Kaede. She’s so perfect and gorgeous and I want to hold her forever, look into her eyes and just talk to her.”

“Yeah, uh...I dunno. It’s more complicated, I guess. After what I did in there, I don’t think we’ll ever be all lovey-dovey like you and Kaede. Especially not after the last thing I said to him. And not when I’m angry with him too. Because I’m really angry, Rantaro. I’m angry with him and I don’t have the right to be. I don’t have the right to hate him. I don’t have the right to hate any of them when I’m... _me_. Ugh, being honest is annoying,” I muttered. It felt good, I guess, but it was really weird to be so honest. To just tell Rantaro how I was really feeling and not hide behind the guise of being evil or manipulative. Being honest was strange, but there was no point in lying. I...didn’t want him to leave yet. If I told the truth, he’d stay...right?

“Why are you angry?” 

“Why? _Why?_ Because he told me I would be alone. Forever. Because he only paid attention to them. Because-because he didn’t care about me! I just wanted _someone_ to care. I wanted _him_ to care. And he didn’t. And I _hate_ him for it. I hate him because...he was right.” But that wasn’t the whole truth, no matter how much I wished it was. I could never just hate him. “But I love him. He’s so ridiculously smart and he can be so stupid and his eyes...oh my god, his eyes. 

“So deep and stunningly gorgeous. I used to watch him, his eyes. They were usually a greyish colour but I saw how they turned bright when he got excited and dull and stormy when he was upset... but no matter what, there was always a hint of gold in his eyes and you could see how smart he was just from looking at them. Oh god and his eyelashes? Dark and long and perfect. _He_ was perfect. He challenged me like no one else ever has. I- fuck. I sound so stupid.” I put my face in my hands, trying to hide the blush that was undeniably there. 

“So... do you hate him or do you love him? Because you can’t want to never see him again _and_ want to be with him. You have to choose. Your anger and your grudge or your chance at love.” Rantaro rested his hand on his chin. 

“Chance at love? Are you serious? He doesn’t like me, Ranran. Do you not remember the whole ‘you’re alone and you always will be?’ The ‘Kaito has us but you have no one.’ He _meant_ that shit, Rantaro. Why do you think I have a chance with him?” I looked back up at him, cocking my eyebrow. 

“Call it...a hunch. Kay and I have been spending quite a bit of time with him, Koko. I’m not gonna tell you everything, but Shu is really upset. Especially after the interview came out with TDR. So if you want him to come back, I need you to tell me exactly what’s going on with that.” Rantaro held up his hand to stop me from speaking. “Listen, I don’t think you want to go back. But he does.” 

“But I already told you I don’t want to go back!” I exclaimed. He couldn’t be serious about this. 

“Yeah. But that photo of you? It was really convincing. I need you to tell me exactly what’s going on. What do you know?” Rantaro asked. I sighed. 

“I _don’t_ know _._ I didn’t take that photo. Er- not this me, at least cause obviously that’s me in the photo. But not _me_ . It was him. The...first me. The original one, I mean. They told me that I did a bunch of promo stuff, including pictures as the Mastermind.” I laughed before continuing. “Apparently _she_ took a liking to me, said my character was one of her favourites. She’s hell-bent on me doing another season.”

“She…? Wait, you don’t mean-?” 

“Yeah. Junko Enoshima.” I sighed. “Crazy bitch. She won’t stop sending letters, bribes, whatever. She just won’t leave me alone.” 

“Have you...talked to her since you woke up? Or considered her offer?” 

“What the _fuck_ ? Of course not. I haven’t read any of her letters other than the first one about me coming back, Ranran. I don’t want to go back into that death game, whether or not I get a bunch of money or fame from doing it. I don’t want to go back there! I don’t want to _die again_ -!” My breath caught in my chest and I made a strangled noise. Rantaro’s brow furrowed and took my hand, squeezing it. 

“Ok. It’s fine, Koko. You don’t want to go back. Have you told her that?” Rantaro’s voice was steady but his eyes, his _damn_ eyes, were full of worry and pity. I hated those eyes, at that moment. 

“No, Rantaro, I told her I’d just love to go back and get murdered for a tv show! Of fucking course I said no!” I snapped. Rantaro held up his hands. 

“Hey, I’m not the bad guy here. Calm down, alright?” Pity. Endless pity. That’s all that was in his eyes. He thought I was pathetic. And they wondered why I lied. 

I hated being pitied. 

I was about ready to just tell him to leave. Leave and never come back. _Even though I didn’t want him to._

All of a sudden, an image popped into my mind.

Two golden eyes. Shining and bright and perfect. Framed by long, dark lashes and eyeliner. The colour of them, the gold, was ethereal and god-like. So deep and intelligent. An ocean of pain and beauty I wanted to stare at for hours. And I wanted them to stare back at me, filled with the same love and adoration. For him to look at me the way he had looked at Kaede. Ugh, those damn eyes. So alive and full of wonder until they weren’t. Until they were cloudy with anger and distrust. Hurt. I could’ve looked at those eyes for hours and done literally nothing else. Could’ve just stared into them, studying them. Watching them shift from gold to grey to green to blue and back again. Watch them change with all of his emotions. Small, subtle shifts in his eyes and the colour that you would miss if you weren’t looking for them. I noticed a while ago that you could see everything he was feeling in his eyes. That’s what made him a bad liar. His eyes were too honest. Honest and perfect and real and I loved them for it. I loved him for it.

Those eyes drew me out of my head enough to put aside my feelings.

“I know you aren’t the bad guy. Sorry,” I muttered. Rantaro reached over, ruffling my hair again and smiling. 

“No need to apologise, Koko. I get it. What’s going on is really insane, it’s normal to be on edge or upset.” He glanced at his phone and groaned. “I have to go but I’ll come back soon, okay?” 

He was...leaving? I wasn’t ready for him to leave. _I didn’t want to be alone again-_

“Sure you will.” I rolled my eyes and he frowned. 

“I _will_ , Koko.” Rantaro waited for a moment. I hummed. Part of me wanted him to just go, I already knew he wouldn’t come back. He hadn’t come until Shuichi had asked him to, so why would he come back? But even so, I still wanted him to stay.

He hugged me again before leaving the room. 

Fuck. 

I sighed and scrubbed my hands across my face. I slowly turned to look at the table, at the large cardstock envelope decorated with stickers. I reached for it, pulling it from under the box, my hand oddly shaky as I did. 

Sliding my finger under the seal, I opened it, pulled out the letter and started reading. 

_Hey hey! Congrats on coming out of Danganronpa alive! You may or may not have won but either way, you’ll get a fat stack of cash! Course, you’ll end up getting more if you won! Hit me up if you ever need anything, I guess? But if you don’t and you end up totally filled with Despair, that would be awesome!_

_Cool, ttyl!_

_Junko Enoshima, co-founder of Danganronpa_

_Hey, Chi! They let me add a personal message to yours since you won’t let me come visit you. Totally despair-filling, by the way. I just really want you to come back! You were like so super interesting. Your character was super unpredictable, I was like on the edge of my seat watching you! And when you died? Totally didn’t expect you to go out like that! Following in my footsteps with the big squish...it’s just sooo despair-inducing! You should come back for another season! We can totally hang out too! Here’s my number and my address at Team Danganronpa Headquarters! Oh yeah- I also slipped in a few fun things for ya since I know how much you hate being bored and there’s nothing more boring than sitting in a hospital all by yourself! Gimme a call soon, babe!_

Reading that sent chills up my spine. She spoke so casually, even on the official part of the letter. And she used a nickname for me...was that something she had done before I lost my memories? Was my relationship with her more than just some sick fascination?

It didn’t matter. I didn’t care. I wasn’t ever going to talk to her. 

I put the letter down, peeking inside the envelope again to find another sheet of paper with a phone number and corporate address scrawled on it. There was also a bunch of glitter and monokuma stickers inside it. I sighed and pulled the box off the table. The tape was flimsy enough that I could just pull it off. Inside the box was a Monokuma plushie, little hair clips, a game of Operation and, for some fucking reason, designer jewellery. I had no idea what she thought I was going to do with this stuff. 

I put the envelope back on the table. My eyes were getting heavy. I sank down into my pillows, ready to fall asleep. It was cold. Hesitantly, I reached back over to the table and pulled out the plushie. I stared at it for a moment and sighed before laying back down, the plushie tucked in my arms. I let sleep overcome me willingly for the first time in a while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading Chapter 3.5! Feel free to let me know what you think of this chapter or any questions you have!
> 
> Here's the link to the PG: AISS playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQQ6l3svInKxPMVjGqCeStwWsX3YdmpnZ


	5. Chapter 4: Dreams, Which Are A Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a recounting of Ouma's death, so if you aren't comfortable with light gore (like really light, just mentions of blood), claustrophobia, panic or delusions, this one might not be for you. That being said, if you do read this chapter, I hope you enjoy!

_He chews on his lip. It’s finally time. He’s really about to do this. No going back. He lays down on the bed of the press, fear building in his chest. He’s terrified, he realises. He doesn’t want to do this. He’s scared and it’s cold and he hates the cold._

_He wishes he could go back._

_The scenarios run through his mind. The press comes down and he’s smashed into a million pieces. Or it’s slow and he doesn’t die for what feels like too long. He can feel himself get crushed. Right up until he’s squished flat, he can feel it._

_He shakes off the thought, trying not to focus on it._

_He looks up instead. Looks up at the thick metal about to come down on him, hovering over him, ready to fall at any moment. All of a sudden, it starts. The room is filled with the steady hum of the press, whirring in his ears and blocking out everything. Everything but his heartbeat, pounding in his ears, screaming at him, telling him to run-_

_It gets closer. And closer. It feels suffocating. He can feel panic building in his chest._

_It takes all of his will not to bolt off the metal bed._

_But he can’t, even if he wanted to._

_Because even if he stops it, quits the plan, he’ll still die._

_If he dies any other way, he can’t save them._

_No, this is the only way. The only way to outsmart the mastermind and keep everyone else alive._

_That’s funny, he thinks. He’s trying to keep them all alive and they all hate him. They want him to die but all he wants is for them to survive. It’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. It’s illogical, he thinks. He shouldn’t want to protect people who wouldn’t do the same for him, shouldn’t want to save them when they want him to die, to leave and never come back._

_And yet, here he is. About to stage one last great prank and save them all._

_But he’s not a hero._

_He knows that. He may be trying to save them, but he’s the furthest thing from a hero. It’s not like he doesn't deserve their hatred. He wants them to hate him._

_But at the same time, all he wants is for them, at least one of them, to_ care _. To care about him. To_ think _about him. To protect him._

_But he made sure that was impossible._

_He regrets it all. He finally admits it to himself, letting his walls fall around him. He has nothing to hide from anyone anymore, not even himself._

_He can finally admit to himself how much he truly hates what he had done, who he's become, the monster that he truly is. They have reason to hate him. He’d be surprised if they didn’t._

_He’s pulled away from his thoughts for a moment as the cold spikes through him again, sending a stabbing pain through him and he’s scared again. He doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He focuses back on the others while he still can._

_He wants to protect them. Even though they hate him, even though they think he’s the mastermind and want him dead, he just wants to protect them. Keep them alive. He did things that made them hate him though...he did them on purpose, he knows that. He did them knowing the consequences he’d receive._

_So, no. Kokichi Ouma is not a hero. He doesn’t want to be one either. He is simply trying to save people he cares about the only way he knows how._

_He’s dragged from his thoughts again as the cold gets stronger. That’s all he can think about now._

_Cold. Cold, cold cold._

_So cold._

_So impossibly cold._

_It hurts._

_It really hurts._

_He can’t see the room anymore. That’s weird. Why can’t he see the room? He should be able to see the room. Why can’t he? Fear spikes through him. Oh god. Did his plan fail?! Did he calculate incorrectly? Has Maki’s poison seeped through him already, killing him before the press could? No no no no no-_

_He looks up again. It’s just an endless sea of grey. Like snow, maybe. That must be it. A blanket of snow._

_He thinks he must have finally woken up, then. It was just a nightmare and he fell asleep in the snow. And now he’s woken up._

_That means he can go back. He’ll get to play with Maki-chan and his other friends. It’s the weekend which means he won’t have to go to school. He’ll just get to play. But first, he has to get up._

_...oh. He can’t get up. That’s weird. The snow is getting closer. It’s so slow that he can barely see it but the snow is slowly getting closer to him. He can feel it. It’s so close that it’s all he can see._

_It’s cold, like the snow. But it’s dark and shiny. That’s more like ice, he thinks. A big block of ice slowly coming towards him. But that doesn’t make sense._

_It can’t really be ice or snow, he knows that. He must not have woken up yet. He thinks maybe he won’t wake up at all._

_Maybe it was real._

_He shakes off the delusion. He can feel it now. Pressing against his chest. It hurts. It’s crushing him, he realises._

_Why this, of all ways? Why did he choose this?_

_It was stupid of him to choose this. He’s claustrophobic. He hates the cold. He doesn’t want to_ die alone-

_Perhaps it’s a punishment. He’s taken the role of judge, jury and executioner on his own trial. He finds himself guilty on three counts of conspiracy to murder in the first degree. He doesn’t think he can be charged with first-degree murder since he never killed anyone with his own hands. That’s a stupid rule, he thinks. He forced others to kill. Planned out murders. Why shouldn’t he be held accountable for killing them? He’s guilty of being a horrible person too, but he doubts that’s punishable. The three counts of conspiracy will have to do, he thinks. That’s more than enough to earn this death penalty._

_He laughs to himself. You, Kokichi Ouma, have been sentenced to death! You’re claustrophobic, autophobic and hate the cold so you'll die alone, surrounded by the cold, crushed to death!_

_How funny. How utterly horrifying._

_The press is getting closer to him. He can’t breathe anymore. It hurts too much. He thinks his ribs have probably shattered, maybe punctured his lung. He doesn’t know the specifics of how it would work. He can only give his best guess. He wants it to be over but he hopes it lasts longer. He deserves to suffer in his last moments. He realises that even if it didn’t hurt to breathe, he can’t inhale anyway. There’s no room._

_There’s no room there’s no room there’s no room there’s no room there’snoroomthere’snoroomthere’snoroomTHERE’SNOROOM-_

_He’s alone. The detective was right, he thinks. He was alone and he is alone, he’ll die alone. It’s his fate. It’s unchangeable._

_It’s now that he’s becoming aware of the pain in his head. It’s getting worse every second. Everything hurts now. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts-_

_It hurts so bad._

_He thinks that maybe-_

_There’s a loud noise that he doesn’t hear as the press meets the metal bed. There’s a large red pool under it, dripping from around it._

_Kaito hopes no one ever sends the press back up. He doesn’t want to know what’s left of the supreme leader under it. He doubts that it’s just blood._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, folks. The last Ouma-centric chapter for a while. Starting with Chapter 5, our perspective will switch and you'll get to see a new side to the story. I hope you enjoyed today's chapter and are looking forward to the next one! As always, let me know if you have any questions or what you thought!


	6. Chapter 5: Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to work out an upload schedule- Here's chapter 5!sorry it's so late thank you all for putting up with my horrible sense of time lmao I was struggling with this chapter and ended up taking a break for a while and I still hate the chapter, but it's here now! (almost two weeks later-)
> 
> Reminder: This is not Kokichi's POV anymore !! This is also a flashback, and will continue to be a flashback for quite a few chapters (roughly until chapter 12, I think) 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

“Oh my god…” Maki was standing already, looking up. Himiko was still curled into a ball, hugging my arm tightly. Bracing myself against the rock we were hidden behind, I shakily stood up. 

Himiko looked at me, terrified. “I’m not going to leave you here,” I told her. I extended my hand and, ignoring the slight discomfort the contact caused, pulled her up. When we looked to Maki, I dropped Himiko’s hand. “Oh my god.” 

There was a hole in the dome. A huge hole. And through it, we could see it all. 

The sky...god, it was beautiful. Had the sky always been that beautiful? That... _blue_? And perfect? Glass rained down from it. It looked almost like snow. Glittering and gorgeous. 

Buildings, too. There were people here. We could get help. We could tell our story to everyone and make sure it really was over. 

Himiko stumbled forward. “That’s it...that’s the exit...we can leave.” Maki nodded.

“Yeah. Are you ready?” she asked. 

“We’re as ready as we’ll ever be,” I told them.

“So, in the end, we still don’t know what was true or not,” Maki said. “But we made it.”

“I guess it’s not important whether it’s a truth or a lie.” Himiko looked sad. “I miss the others…”

“We have each other, now and forever. Let’s find out what’s waiting for us, together.”

That was the last thing I said before it all went dark. 

Just...sudden darkness. A falling sensation. Nothingness. 

The next time I woke up, I thought maybe I had died. Everything was white. Plain white. And boring. 

Had I really died? How?

The room wasn’t as white as I first thought and there was a steady beeping noise wherever I was. That’s what made me question this place being ‘heaven’. 

I became even more sure that it wasn’t heaven as I turned my head. I was in...a hospital room. There was an IV attached to my arm and a neat stack of letters set onto a table next to me. 

The letters all varied in appearance, some of them were colourful and some were plain white. They were all addressed to me, from what I could see, but the handwriting always changed.

“Oh, Mr Saihara. Welcome back to the land of the living.” I turned my head to see a nurse. She smiled at me, jotting something down on a clipboard, and then lifted my arm and removed the IV. 

“W-What?” My voice was scratchy and my throat hurt. 

“Danganronpa 53. Do you not remember?” Her lipstick was bright red. The only real colour in the room. Red...red like blood. Like Rantaro’s blood, spilling from his head. Like the water where we found Ryoma. Like Kirumi’s blood. Like Angie and Tenko’s blood. Like the blood that dripped from Kiyo’s eyes. Like Gonta’s blood. Like Kaito’s as he coughed. Like Tsumugi’s. Like ours after we escaped. Like Kokichi’s blood as after he was crushed to death, completely destroyed, _gone forever-_

“We ended Danganronpa,” I said. My voice came out just as harshly painful and quiet. The nurse laughed. 

“Oh, no. In fact, the fans are clamouring for season 54 to come out already. Great job though. My daughter loved you.” The nurse smiled.

“I-I don’t understand.” 

The nurse nodded. “I’d imagine you don’t. Well, let’s get you checked out, alright? You were sleeping for a good while.” 

“I...was?” How long had I been sleeping? What was going on?

“I’m sure you’re confused. As soon as we get you cleared, you can speak to Dr Gekkogahara or that Amami kid. They both know what’s going on pretty well.” The nurse smiled at me again and walked out of the room. 

Amami- as in Rantaro? Talk to Rantaro? But he was dead. 

I thought over what had just happened. The last thing I remembered, Maki, Himiko and I had been standing together, ready to face our new future. And then I woke up here, in a hospital. 

So...had someone found us? And saved us? 

That must have been it. 

I stood up, a wave of dizziness and nausea overcoming me for a moment. Spots danced in front of my eyes and I sat back down. A few minutes later, I tried again with more success. 

I walked into the en suite and blinked. What. the. Hell. 

My hair was messy, and considerably longer than it had been the last time I had seen myself. Maybe I was exaggerating. It wasn’t _that_ long but it was definitely longer than it had been and longer than I was comfortable with it being. 

My skin was also abnormally pale. Like I had been locked inside for years or was about to die of some illness. 

Illness...Kaito. 

I’d never get to see him again. He’d never call me ‘bro’ again or throw his arm around my and Maki’s shoulders and call us his sidekicks or tell me not cry or-

Too many things. He’d never do any of those things again. 

Because he was dead. 

And I was alive. 

And I’d keep on living, for him. For Kaede. For Kiibo. For Kirumi and Ryoma, Gonta, Miu, Angie, Tenko, Kiyo, even for Tsumugi. 

Even if I didn’t want to.

I’d keep living and I’d do everything they couldn’t anymore. I’d learn piano and play Clair de Lune for Kaede, learn the constellations for Kaito, deliver Kirumi’s last words to her people and keep my room clean for her, I’d find my uncle and even my parents for Ryoma, learn to paint for Angie, learn neo-aikido for Tenko and protect people like she did, cosplay for Tsumugi, learn to engineer and make Miu’s inventions for her, maybe I’d even be able to rebuild Kiibo. At the very least, I’d carry out his Hope and keep living. 

Even if it was impossible, I’d do it for them. I had to.

Something occurred to me. The nurse said I could talk to Rantaro. But he was dead...was I actually dead, then? 

That would mean I couldn’t do any of the things I wanted to. I couldn’t carry out their dreams.

“Mr Saihara? You in there?” A knock on the bathroom door drew me out of my thoughts. 

“Y-yes?” 

“Would you mind coming out? We need to determine if you sustained any injuries and check in on your mental state. We know you’ve just been through something traumatic.” My mental state? That was a nightmare, but then again, wasn’t it always?

“Sure,” I murmured. Standing outside the en suite was the nurse with the red lipstick and a woman in some futuristic wheelchair.

“This is Dr Gekkogahara, she’s a therapist who’s dedicated herself to cases like yours.” 

Cases...like mine?

A pink rabbit waved at me from the large monitor screen on Dr Gekkogahara’s wheelchair. “Hi!” 

“Um...hello?” The rabbit talked. The rabbit on the computer _looked at me_ and talked. 

“Please don’t mind my avatar! I don’t like speaking very much.” The rabbit blinked up at me. 

“Sure, ok. Um. I’m Shuichi Saihara, but I guess you know that…?” I shifted my weight nervously. 

“Yes, I do! Hmm, you don’t seem to have any external injuries and initial scans showed nothing wrong internally. We’ll get right to the mental diagnostic then!” Dr Gekkogahara’s voice was abnormally high pitched and the robotic lilt didn’t help the headache it gave me. She gestured for me to sit down and I went back to the bed I had woken up in, sitting down hesitantly.

“So...before we start, can you, uh, tell me what’s going on? What happened to me?” 

Dr Gekkogahara paused. “No. I think I’ll tell you after I confirm you’re stable,” she said.

Well then. “Great,” I muttered. 

“Let’s begin! First, how do you feel?” Dr Gekkogahara asked me a bunch of questions like that. I eventually stopped paying much attention, letting my mind wander. And then- “Are you suicidal, Shuichi?”

“W-what?!” 

“Do you wish you were dead?”

I froze. “I don’t understand.” 

“Shuichi. Do you want to die? Do you think you deserve to die? Would you rather be dead than alive? Do you _want to kill yourself_? It’s a simple yes or no question.” The room was filled with the sharp, quick sound of keyboard keys. 

“I don’t understand why you’re asking me that,” I told her. 

“We’re checking your mental state. Aside from that, the information you wanted to know about your current situation could negatively affect your mind. I have no intention of telling you anything if you’re already in a fragile state.” Her voice lost the childish tone it had. That reminded me of the way Kokichi’s voice used to change and his face would go blank when he was telling the truth. My heart panged in my chest. Odd. 

A simple yes or no...she was right. That was easy. “I’m fine.” Maybe Kokichi had been onto something, with his lies. You got to know the information you wanted to if you lied. 

“...I see. That’ll be all for today then.” Dr Gekkogahara turned to leave.

“Wait! What’s going on?” Had we been saved? Was I dead-? A million questions ran through my mind.

“I told you. I won’t tell you anything until I can confirm you’re in a proper headspace to receive information which could possibly be damaging to you. We’ll continue to check in on you until we can ensure that you won’t be a danger to yourself or the others.” 

The others…? “I told you I’m fine.”

“Yes...I’ll see you tomorrow, Shuichi. Please get some sleep.”

The next few days passed much the same. Dr Gekkogahara asked the same set of questions each day, always ending on that one. “I’m fine.” “I’m really fine, Dr Gekkogahara.” “I’m fine! Please, tell me what’s going on, please.” 

Each day she said the same thing. “That’ll be all. I’ll see you tomorrow, Shuichi.”

I eventually gave in. I couldn’t stand not knowing.

“No, wait! Fine, fine. I’m- I feel guilty, for surviving. I didn’t deserve it. Kaito, Kaede, Kiibo...they all deserved to survive. Why me?” I looked at my hands, clenching my fists. Dr Gekkogahara hummed. 

“I see. Do you want to die, Shuichi?”

“Yes,” I murmured, closing my eyes. “But I won’t. I’ll survive. For them. I have to do everything they couldn’t do. I have to.”

“And how would you feel if I told you your friends aren’t dead?”

“Aren’t they?” 

“No,” she said.

“Oh.” They weren’t-? Then...a suspicion had been playing in my head recently. 

The longer hair, pallid skin, apparently sleeping for a long time, traumatic experience, my friends not being dead...it was a delusion, wasn’t it? None of it was real, not the game, not the killings, not my friends. 

“Oh? You aren’t more excited about it?” Dr Gekkogahara sounded surprised.

“Of course not. Why would I be?” It just meant I was crazy, didn’t it? Fabricating 15 other people and torturing them within my mind? 

“I thought you’d be excited to see them,” she said. I looked up at her. “You’ve been cleared, Shuichi. It was a tv show like Tsumugi said. That audition tape was real. You’re a different person than you were pre-Danganronpa. Yes, you’re real now. No, you can’t go back. You were asleep for so long because of a very minor readjustment period due to the trauma. You’ll stay in the hospital for a few weeks, likely around 6. You’re welcome to do whatever you like within reason, we encourage spending time with others. Therapy will be mandatory once a week, as will group therapy. You can request more sessions as needed. You’re welcome to midnight snacks if you can’t sleep, but call a nurse. If you need anything, press your call button or search out a staff member.” She gave me no processing time, just rapidly answering every question I had before I could even ask it. 

“Would you like to go see everyone?”

... everyone? 

I nodded. 

Dr Gekkogahara motioned for me to follow her and we left the room, going to some sort of rec room. When I got there, I nearly collapsed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading Chapter 5! Feel free to let me know what you thought or if you have any questions!


	7. Chapter 6: Success and Error

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I am SO sorry this took so long- I took it off my beta's hands since they've been busy so this is the first chapter with no beta but I didn't want to make you all wait any longer. While I do really like having them beta the chapters before I posting, I might take it off their hands completely for a while and do a weekly schedule so I can get the fic caught up with where I am in terms of writing (I think I'm near chapter 14 or something-) so if that happens, this will update Thursdays! I am so grateful for all the support this series has received so far, I never expected that so many of you would come back to read it. So thank you for that and I'll do my best to update this more often!
> 
> Second- this is the most we'll be seeing of Kaito. He's a character who reminds me of someone I'd rather forget and his character makes me pretty uncomfortable so Shuichi will mostly spend time with Kaede. Sorry to anyone who was hoping to see the Training Trio but I will be avoiding writing too much about Kaito (if you want to see more of Kaito though, he will have a chapter with Maki in Postgame: And We're the Future in a few weeks, but it'll be a shorter chapter) Also I know Kirumugi isn't tagged here but they became a comfort ship for me lmao so they're here now too
> 
> And finally, yes, this story is still SaiOu! This chapter is part of a flashback and happens weeks before the first one. So keep that in mind while reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

I walked into the common room with the nurse and nearly collapsed. “Oh my god.” 

Maki and Himiko…

Himiko was sitting with Tenko, half in the taller girl’s lap, with Angie and...Korekiyo. 

Maki was with Kaede and Kaito. 

And it wasn’t just them. Miu, Kiibo, and Gonta were talking. Kirumi, Ryoma, Tsumugi and Rantaro.

All of my classmates. All of my friends. They were supposed to be dead. I _watched_ them die. And even so...here they were. Alive, in front of me. 

They told me, yeah, but I hadn’t believed it. And yet...here they all were. 

“Oh! Shuichi!” Kaede jumped up, running over to me. She threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly.

“Kaede?” I murmured. My hands hovered at my side before flying up and tangling themselves in her soft hair. She smelled like peaches and perfection. “Kaede…!” Tears sprang to my eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay. No need for that,” she murmured. She pulled back, cupping my cheek. “I’m really happy to see you again, Shuichi.”

I sniffled and smiled at her. “I’m really happy to see you too, Kaede. Kaito, all of you. I-I never thought…” I trailed off, wiping my eyes and laughing shakily. 

“You really scared us there for a while, Shu!” Kaede exhaled in relief. “I was so worried…” 

“Ah, yeah, I’m sorry...I’m not quite sure what happened…how have you all been?” I looked around the room again and when I turned back to Kaede, I noticed Rantaro’s arm around her. When had he even-?

Kaede followed my eyeline down to her shoulder, realisation dawning on her face. “Oh, Shuichi...I was gonna tell you. But you just woke up and I didn’t want to just-”

“It’s none of my business, Kaede. You didn’t have to tell me.” I looked down. I didn’t want her to see how hurt I felt. 

I liked Kaede. And I thought she had liked me too. How excited she had been to see me, the hug, our time in the game together...Apparently, I had been wrong. 

“Well, in any case, I’m glad you’re awake. I’ll let you catch up with everyone.” Kaede hugged me again, pausing as she searched my face, before walking out of the room. Rantaro waved at me before jogging after her. 

“Where are they-” I started. 

“Cafeteria,” Maki said dryly. “Or something. Better not to ask.”

“How are you, Maki?” I asked instead. She glanced at me. 

“Fine. I’m…” she trailed off, taking hold of one of her ponytails. Kaito laughed. 

“She’s good, we’re good.” Kaito grinned at me and I noticed his arm curl around Maki’s waist. I bit back a snide comment about it, wanting to ask if _everyone_ was dating. I wasn’t sure why, I was never that type of person. 

“Oh. I’m happy for you two,” I finally said. 

“Thanks! How are you doing, Sidekick?” Kaito asked. I started smiling again instantly. Hearing him call me that…

I never thought I’d miss it that much.

“I’m okay,” I told him. “Um, waking up took longer than it was supposed to, I guess?” 

“You were supposed to wake up a week ago,” Maki deadpanned. I blinked. 

“A week? Really?” 

“Yeah, you had us really worried, Sidekick! Apparently, a few people haven’t woken up before so we were worried about you, bro.” Kaito grinned at me. “But nothing happened!” 

“I’m fine,” I confirmed. “Really, it was probably just a fluke. I think they said I just had some kind of minor anomaly, a readjustment period-?”

Maki nodded. “Let us know if anything happens.” 

“I will. I’m gonna go say hi to everyone but I’ll be back, okay?” I smiled at them and Kaito pulled me into a hug. 

“We missed you, Shuichi.” I grinned against his skin, letting the musky scent he always seemed to smell like wash over me. It felt quite a bit like home. 

“I missed you too,” I murmured.

Pulling away, I walked over to Himiko, Tenko, Angie and Kiyo. “Hey!” 

“Shuichi!” Himiko jumped up, hugging my arm. “We were worried about you. My magic must have finally taken effect!” 

“Oh! Hi, Himiko.” I put my hand on her head and smiled at her. 

“Nyeh...tired now...lost all my MP when I gave you that healing spell just now…”

“Himiko! I’ll take you back to your room, okay?” Tenko jumped up. “You better thank her, Shuichi! She used all her MP to heal you!” 

“Ah...okay. Thank you, Himiko,” I said. Himiko nodded and was about to let Tenko lead her away when she paused. She hugged me again. 

“You’re really okay?” She asked. I nodded and she let go and walked off, leaving Tenko to chase after her. 

“Angie welcomes you back!” Angie smiled cheerily at me. 

“Hi, Angie, Kiyo. How are you both?” 

“We’re adjusting,” Kiyo said, chuckling. “We’ve both come to realisations and we’ve both lost things. We’ve also gained many things. I think we’re alright, or least, we will be.”

“Realisations…?” I asked. Kiyo’s eyes flicked to the side. 

“I’d prefer not to discuss them. But rest assured that I will not be attempting to make any ‘friends’ for that demoness and Angie won’t be attempting to convert you all to her cult.” 

“It was not a cult!” Angie exclaimed. “But Kiyo is correct, no more conversion.” She sounded sad, despite her smile. “Well, Angie hopes you have a good day, Shuichi.” 

After being dismissed by Angie, I walked up to Miu, Kiibo and Gonta. “Hey! Well, would ya look at that, it’s Shyhara!” 

“Hello, Miu,” I sighed. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you wake up sooner, huh? And you better not stare at my tits, perv! I’m already fuckin’ someone and you don’t deserve to look at me anyway!” Miu huffed. 

“Okay…? I wasn’t going to- to look at you, Miu.” I didn’t miss Miu as much as I liked to think I did.

“Y-you weren’t?!” she whined. 

“No,” I told her. “How are you all?” 

“Gonta is good! Gonta made many friends!” Gonta smiled at me before crushing Miu into a hug. 

“Hey! Lemme go, ya big Care Bear!” Miu demanded, smacking Gonta’s arm. I winced. Gonta dropped her and Miu sighed in relief. 

“How are you, Shuichi?” Kiibo asked me. 

“I’m alright. You?” 

“Not a robot anymore,” he said, laughing nervously.

“Oh! Yeah, what’s up with that?” I looked him over. I wasn’t sure how I hadn’t noticed, but he very obviously wasn’t a robot.

“One of TDR’s...ah, plot points.” Kiibo laughed shakily. 

“Oh.” I looked down. “I’m sorry.”

Kiibo shrugged. “I wanted to be human, right?”

I continued to speak with Kiibo for a while. When we were finished, I walked over to Kirumi, Tsumugi and Ryoma. 

“Ah, Shuichi!” Tsumugi jumped up, a huge grin on her face. She pulled me into a hug. “Oh gosh, we were so worried!”

“T-Tsumugi?!” My mind was filled with the image of Tsumugi, smiling like a maniac, prattling on and on about Danganronpa, and how we were fake, and everything else she did that day. 

“Tsu!” Kirumi whispered harshly. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Shuichi. I just- well, we can talk about it another time.” She smiled nervously at me, brushing through a strand of long, wavy blue hair. 

“Talk about- about Danganronpa?” I asked. She blinked, for a moment. 

“What? No- do you not know? Oh, then this is just plain embarrassing...I-I have to go!” Tsumugi stepped past me, hurrying out of the room. 

“Tsu! Ah...I should follow her. My apologies, Shuichi. It really is nice to see you.” Kirumi smiled at me warmly, touching my arm lightly, before bolting after Tsumugi. I froze momentarily before shaking off the contact. 

“Hey.” I looked down to see Ryoma, with a piece of pocky in his mouth, held like a cigarette. “How ya doin, kid?” I sighed and Ryoma nodded. “Yep.”

“How are you?” I asked him. 

“Not dead anymore,” he said, chuckling. “She’s dating Tsumugi, by the way.”

“W-what?!”

“I could tell you wanted to know.” Ryoma shrugged. “I’m gonna go check on Gonta. Welcome back, Shuichi.”

I watched Ryoma walk over to Gonta before heading back over to Kaito and Maki. 

“Hey, Sidekick! Ready to go grab food?” Kaito clapped me on the shoulder.

“Um sure but...hey, is Kokichi okay? He’s not here…” I looked around again, wondering if I’d missed him somehow. 

Kaito rubbed the back of his neck. “... yeah. I saw him once, when we first woke up. He woke up after me so he wasn’t there when I woke up but a few nights later, we all heard screaming. I rushed out of my room and saw him. He had a scalpel in his hands and he was thrashing around. A few of the nurses were holding him down and uh... well, he was screaming about how he _needed_ to die, deserved it. Said he needed to remember something ‘at the very least’. I’m not sure. I didn’t stick around after he got sedated. None of us has gone to visit him yet either.” 

My heart rate spiked. “What?! Is he alright?”

Kaito shrugged. “I don’t know, bro. He’s not dead, that’s all I can tell you.” I sighed and covered my mouth. 

Needed to die…? Remember something? _Sedated_? 

What happened to you, Kokichi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, you're more than welcome to leave questions or comments! I always do my best to respond to them!
> 
> I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here or not but there's a prequel fic to this called Postgame: And We're the Future which is about the rest of the cast. It'll only be ten chapters but a lot of the friendships and relationships mentioned in this chapter are formed in that fic! So if you'd like to know what was going on with everyone else before Shuichi woke up, that's where you can find it!


	8. Notice

Oh gosh...ok. I didn't want to do this originally but I've been pretty unhappy with this story. I'm going to take a hiatus from this story for a while. I need to make some decisions about it, namely whether or not I want to restart it. If I do restart it, it'll either ignore the flashback scenes entirely and stay in Kichi's POV (meaning a much, much shorter story overall) or start with the current flashback scenes and probably stay in Shuichi's POV. I also just need to iron out the final details and work out the plot points that were added along the way and not part of the original plan. I'm really sorry about all this. But as it is, I just can't continue it right now. I'd love to hear what you all think, whether I should restart it and how or if you'd rather me just continue where it left off. 

If it does restart, I'd like to thank you all for the support on this. It's been really overwhelming and I never imagined that anyone, let alone how many of you did, enjoy my writing and story. I'll be uploading to the other series and the occasional one-shot (I have a Kirumugi one-shot coming up at some point) so this isn't goodbye! To all of you who enjoyed my writing as a whole or this story specifically, thank you ♥ it really meant a lot to me. I'm sorry it got to this point but as it is, I really hate this story lmao I need to restart it to be satisfied with it. But- like I said, if you'd all prefer I stay with this one, I will. Otherwise, I'll be cutting this one off and restarting it (which kinda sucks for me cause I had some more interesting projects scheduled after this one that I'll have to push back)


	9. Final Update That I Probably Should Make??

So- if you don’t already know?? The rewrite for this fic is out (has been out for- a while lmao) but the name is changed to “Stay With Me”. So if you don’t know and you were interested in reading the update, you’re welcome to check that one out lmao

thank you all again for the support I’ve received with this series ❤️


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